What Are The Rules of Love?

How do you tell your heart what to love, who to love, and the degree of love you have? As a society, I think we have understood rules governing love. Much of my life has been about exploring and challenging these sometimes unspoken standards because I have often thought there is a strong need for those that think "outside the box." And yet one of the reasons why the emotion of love can be so painful is because there are no concrete rules that are proven to be right or wrong.

When I met my husband, we quickly became great friends. But when we started to fall in love, it was all wrong...or so it seemed. My heart screamed out how much I love this guy! But everything was against us. Probably the biggest rule that I was ignoring was the fact that Jon was what we consider a "rebound" relationship. I was coming out of my first marriage, and the last thing I was looking for was to jump right into something else. I was actually looking forward to being on my own again. I mean, how do you justify failing at what you thought was going to be an eternity with one person and then thinking you can start over with someone else immediately without taking the time or measures necessary to do all that self analyzation to prevent it from happening again. That's pretty much what we tell ourselves needs to happen, right? I kept trying to tell Jon that it wasn't right and that he needed to drop me and move on to someone else that didn't feel so crazy mixed up. My problem was that although my brain was trying to tell me to do things this way, my heart was telling me "hell no! you have never felt anything this powerful before, and you don't want to give that up based on some silly script you think your life should be following." And thank god I followed the latter because although my life isn't some sort of fairy tale, I did get to marry a man that my heart has fallen completely in love with, and it makes all the hard times that are inevitable in a marriage so much more worth it!

More recently however, I have been pondering the rules that seem to be placed on us for where we should draw the line in our love for our beloved pets. I know that when you compare your children and your pets, there are some vast differences. In my opinion, I think the main one would be that we all hope to NEVER have to know the feeling of burying your own child, but unless you find yourself in the twilight of your life with a new pet, then we all know it is unavoidable we will be faced with the pain of losing our pet. But other than that, what really is the difference? Before I went through my recent ordeal with Dolly (God, she was so young and my heart still hurts so much), I had always thought it seemed kind of crazy to spend thousands of dollars on medical for your pets. Your pets should have a price right? WRONG! Not when it comes to matters of your heart. I quickly realized that I would go to any lengths financially or otherwise if it meant that I could save the life of my dear dog. I have never loved her any more or less than either of my two children, and although she doesn't have the same communication abilities as my kids, I know the feeling was returned. It seemed somewhat of a less complicated decision with Rex and Amber because they were older and didn't have too much of their life left anyway. But we find ourselves in that same position with our human loved ones at times also. How many people have been faced with the decision of whether or not to pull the plug? We make those choices based on the well-being of the patient and not by how much money we have or are willing to spend. If it came to saving the life of my child, I would beg, borrow, or (god forbid) steal the money. And in this instance I found out that I felt the same way about Dolly. When we made the decision to "pull the plug" on her it was not because we weren't willing to fight with her anymore. It was because that is what was best for her based on the disease she had and the options available to us. And why did we do that? Because we came to love her and care for her as a part of this family the same way we do for our kids. And in return she gave us her undying love and affection and loyalty in a way that I sometimes feel was more than I deserved.

So I say follow your heart. Don't completely disregard your brain, but if it weren't for my heart, I wouldn't have been standing next to the man I love with all my heart and next to one of our dogs I love with all my heart knowing that I was doing the right thing and knowing that he supports me 100%. And then we came home to our two beautiful children, and although I know that it has been a long road, love has brought me a lot to be happy about.

The Memoir of My Dogs Revisited

After having another emotional night I decided to repost what I originally wrote to them. Just when I think I am getting over it, it all comes up again. I know we all have been through it, but tonight as Jon is packing up a bunch of the stuff from our house that belonged to our dogs, I broke down. Again, a lot of you have already read it, but somehow it really isn't about that. I look it up and reread it everyday. So I think reposting it in my weak moments and knowing that it will touch even one more person makes the tears worth it all over again.

Rex, Amber, and Dolly...I will never forget you!

There is a HUGE gaping hole in my heart right now that I definitely have never experienced before and not quite sure how to even describe it. I think the reason this death is hitting me so much harder is because with the passing of Dolly comes the passing of an era...or maybe the beginning of a new one, but it's too painful for me to think of that right now. I thought it might help me to grieve a little by putting something down in words.

This house has never been void of the pitter patter of furry feet, and it seems so empty now. There is just something about having a dog's love that is so different than any other that I know a lot of us are familiar with. (Starting with the fact that they never talk back to you, but they can still tell you they love you just by the looks they give.) But all that aside, these 3 dogs were different. They were 3 of the most gentle loving souls I have ever been blessed to know in my whole life. And I think each of them drew from the others. When we lost Rex, you could tell Amber and Dolly lost a piece of themselves. And of course the same for Dolly when Amber passed. Everyone to know them were touched by them. I would even receive comments from our vet about what wonderful, gentle dogs they were, and you could just tell that even they could tell they were special.

This is the end of an era because no other furry friend that becomes a member of our family will ever know the love of Rex, Amber, and Dolly. No other person or animal will ever be privileged enough to feel their acceptance and tender manner. All of our friends that have ever brought their pets to our house have known this acceptance. There was no one they would not welcome. And yet each one was also so in tune to our own individual needs. Rex, who had bad hips and sensitive joints and had gimped around since I had known him, was the first one to allow himself to be used by the children as a stepping stool to climb on the couch as they were learning. And Amber, always so protective and seemingly fierce on the outside, but only we knew what a baby she was on the inside. And Amber had never accepted anyone into Jon's life the way she did me. I think Jon knew it was ok to love me because Amber knew we were right for each other. And Dolly, my shadow. She never wanted to let me out of her sight and I don't think I have ever felt more needed in my life. And even in her final moments, when she has normally her whole life been all about me, she turned to Jon and loved him for the last few minutes and rested her head in his hands and told him it would be ok.

I know they are all happy to be together again in heaven. Each one never did feel complete without the others. I hope they are all running happy free of the pain that plagued them here on earth. So even though I know they "are in a better place" and "it's better to have loved and lost" and all that, it still hurts really, REALLY bad! Rex, Amber, and Dolly might have been dogs, but they were still very important members of our family.

I miss you guys so much...and I will never forget the love you gave.

I love you Rex!
I love you Amber!
I love you Dolly!

See you again soon...

What is the deal with Santa?

So I had extra kids today from the daycare.  Theresa had the nerve to take a day off, and so a couple of the parents asked if I could fill in.  They were quickly driving me crazy (I think within the first ten minutes...or was that seconds?), so I knew I had to do something.  We decided to take a trip to go see Santa and fill him in on the many wishes that we had.

Apparently, this was quite the adventure that posed many questions.  Some of them had answers, and some did not.  So here are a few things for us to ponder.

"What did Santa drive?"

Well, that's an easy one.  He came in a sleigh right?  Simple enough to answer.

"Where is it parked?  I didn't see it in the parking lot."

Good question.  I mean, does Santa get special VIP parking?  It would obviously have to be huge what with the giant sleigh and all the reindeer.  Plus, you would think you could smell them from a mile away.  And we went to the Monroe mall, and trust me, for a mall that can be walked in it's entirety in about 3 minutes flat, the parking is not extensive.  We drove all through the parking lot looking for the sleigh he came in on, but I sure couldn't find it.  So that one remains a mystery.

"Why didn't Santa say Ho, Ho, Ho to me?"

I don't know.  He probably said it before we got there.

"Why does Santa say Ho, Ho, Ho?"

OK, seriously?  Where do they come up with this stuff?  I don't know!  Because that's what we've all been told he says.  Can't you just accept it like everyone else and move on?

"Why was Santa wearing big pants?"

Because he has a bowl full of jelly.  Yeah, as soon as that came out of my mouth I instantly regretted it because I'm sure you can imagine the barrage of questions that came with that one!

OK, you know what?  Let's not talk about Santa anymore.  Let's listen to some Christmas music on the radio.  Maybe we can even sing along!  Yeah, great idea.  ♫ Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer...had a very shiny nose. ♫

"Why does Rudolph have a lighted nose?"

"Where is Rudolph, I can't see him?"

"I can't see him either!"

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Here I Am By Popular Demand!

Well...here we go!  I have been told that it would be good for me to try blogging as a good outlet for my creativity.  And after my most recent post about my dogs that some of you were able to check out, I am now convinced that this could really help me express myself creatively.  Blogging about my beloved furry friends really allowed me to channel my grief, and I have been able to function a lot better these past couple days.  

So although I'm not sure that everything I have to say is always as interesting as people (or I) might think, I'm gonna say it anyway.  The good news for you is that for once the power is in your hands as to whether you should listen or not.  :)  I have been "reduced" to a common housewife, but as it turns out this happens to be one of the hardest and most important jobs of my life.  But aside from that, there are so many different levels of me that scream to come out somedays.  To those of you that are very familiar with who I am, you know that this is also one of the scariest ways for me to do it.  I have always been a very guarded person with my emotions and thoughts, so please treat them gently!

So sit back, fasten your seatbelts, and enjoy the ride!