I can taste the tears falling
A victim that's inside you calling
Yearning for a liberation
Emotional emancipation
Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your senses overflow
Step out of your cage and onto the stage
It's time to start playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom's a state
To many of you who know me, you know that Depeche Mode has always been one of my all time absolute favorite bands. And although I do love them, they come by their "Depressed Mode" nickname quite honestly. I think I can count the number of truly happy, upbeat songs on one hand...maybe two. But for that reason, sometimes when I'm feeling a little down and out, their music really speaks to me. It doesn't make me suicidal or anything, but I love their style of expressing themselves and the poetry that is their lyrics. I do believe some of it is very ambiguous, but sometimes that it works better that way because it leaves it somewhat open to your own interpretation.
The last few weeks I've been pretty down in the dumps. It is what it is, but it still sucks. Winter is coming to an end, and over the past month, I think half of it has been spent gray and rainy. But I think it was coming on anyway. And it mostly has to do with the title I have given myself of "housewife" ("incoherent" I'm ok with ☺). Unlike my mother, I never had any dreams of living out my life as a wife and mother. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a wife and mother, but it's not really what I wanted to base my whole life on. But problem I have is trying to figure out what my dreams are. It really isn't clear. So I've been feeling lately like I'm having a real identity crisis. Most of the decisions I've made have been based on life's circumstances and opportunities at the time instead of the result of chasing down a dream. So now, for the first time ever, I've decided to do something purely self-indulgent. I am going back to school!
I know what you're thinking..."Wow, don't go too overboard!" But in reality, I want to go to school and get a degree, but also study something that I'm passionate about, and not necessarily something that will be lucrative for my future. And I want to do it without having the slightest idea whether it will even benefit me in the future other than just being better educated. I still want to be a wife and mother because I think I'm really good at it. But without having any other creative outlet or anything else to define myself by, that job in and of itself suffocates me. I want to continue to strive to "work" on me and be a better Rhoda so that I can keep being what my family needs.
Ultimately we are all in charge of our own state of mind and how we control it. And like the song says "freedom awaits, open the gates, open your mind, freedom's a state." So that is exactly what I plan to do. Hopefully as I continue to reinvent myself through the years and find the path that is mine, I'll one day be able to leave behind the legacy that I long for. Watch out world, here I come!!
